A Bead to a Small Nose*

back once again...

I think it’s fair to say that it’s been a shit week so far.

Yesterday really was the pits, it kicked off as usual with me walking barefoot over a mouldy puddle in our carpet which is there as a result of the water tank leaking all over the place while we were away.

At work, I was so knackered from the weekend that I was unable to use the correct words when talking to people. Plus I found out that a letter I’d sent out to about 1000 people had the wrong information in it.

But my greatest personal achievement of the day was writing a letter to a woman whose baby had died chasing her up over what is, to my mind (but not to some people I work with) a trivial bureaucratic matter. That kind of stuff makes you feel great on a Monday.

Needless to say, things carried on in the same manner, the absolute triumph of which was the daughter demonstrating to all and sundry her singleminded… ah… creativity and resourcefulness by forcing a bead all the way up her left nostril when she was supposed to be asleep.

That bead was not coming out, much to everyone’s alarm. So we all piled down to the, now somewhat familiar, Homerton Hospital at 8 o’clock. Our luck really being in, it turns out that half the kids in Hackney have decided to do something crazy as well, though unfortunately there was nobody there with a saucepan stuck on their head.

“Oh yes, you were here a year ago because she swallowed a penny?”

“Ah… Yes.”

You laugh nervously because – hey, kids are crazy, innit? But also so you don’t scream out “It’s OK!!! I’m a good parent really! Don’t put me on some kind of orwellian Register! Have YOU got kids, eh? Have you?”

The daughter’s great contribution to medical science so far is a perfect x-ray of her perfect round tummy, with a perfect little round 1p piece showing through her rib cage. So good, they use for teaching, apparently. No doubt with a picture of me off Hopstial CCTV with “BAD DAD” captioned underneath it.

So it’s off to the waiting room for 3 HOURS and obviously we’ve packed all of the daughter’s favourite books and toys in a frenzy, but nothing for us, so we are lumbered with a dozen magazines which all turn out to be either about weddings (in the A&E children’s ward?! wtf?) or ski-ing.

The bridal mags are kind of pornographic in a commodity-fetish sort of way. Like, one of them has about 30 pages of tea cups and saucers, in garish full colour close up. Weird shit.

Every other parent there is texting furiously, despite all the signs saying “please turn off your mobile phone”. Because what else are you going to do at 10:00pm on a Monday night?

It takes hours, but we got the bead back with the aid of some uber dextrous lady and her special tweezers. I doubt the daughter will do that again, anyway.

Out into the carpark, relieved, desperate to get home at last. “Babycakes” is blaring out of a car stereo…


One Comment

  1. wbtnk
    lulu stuck some foil in her ear just the other day. they get so excited when they discover holes they can hide things in! we’re still uncertain if she hasn’t stuffed something up her nose (permanently bleeding!)

    hope ruby is feeling better 🙁
    2004/08/25 @ 09:29 am

    Homerton’s children’s A&E staff are great as is the fact it’s separate from the rest of A&E, but there is a Russian doll feel about it. You go into a unit within a unit and there you find another unit, within which there is a yet smaller unit. Glad your little one is OK. One of the nurses there damn near saved my daughter’s life last December.
    2004/08/25 @ 12:18 pm

    Just realised that may sound like they nearly saved her life but didn’t. She is fine, but was in real problems breathing and the nurse’s swift decision making pulled her out of a serious situation.
    2004/08/25 @ 12:21 pm

    stelfox ( / )
    it’s a good hospital – i’ve only been in once and it was over a stupid thing – quite similar to your last visit john; was getting massive shooting pains through the left side of my chest (turned out to be a pulled muscle in my shoulder) and bearing in mind that most of my family have died from heart attacks, i got really scared and had a massive panic attack (1st and last ever i hope – not one to panic but i consider thinking yr dying good enough reason to get a bit tense!). they were brilliant, sorted me out completely, allayed any fears i had and kept me in just to make sure i was okay. no complaints at all. glad ruby’s okay. still, glad you can see the funny side coz that post was actually pretty entertaining, too, especially the bit about the x-rays and photographs. for what it’s worth i’m sure you’re not on the bad dad register – bear in mind some parents make their kids listen to david gray records and shit like that.
    2004/08/25 @ 01:35 pm

    paul “bad boy” meme http://blog.grievousangel.net
    ‘kin’ell, she doesn’t give up easily does she? Sorry to hear about your tribulations, mucker. Bet she found the whole trip really exciting though…
    Felix’ big orifice-insertion thing this week: he was picking his nose so thoroughly at the childminders on monday that he was up to the knuckle. Consequently, a big nosebleed and blood-soaked bogies for the rest of the week. ‘s OK though — he just eats them. Yeugh…
    Uh, re: work tings, couldn’t you use the old “it’s illegal to harass people who are in emotional distress” tactic? This could at least buy you some time… especially if you can find some way to throw in the data protection act…
    2004/08/25 @ 04:20 pm

    actually, yes, the Homerton is amazing, isn’t it? Thanks for all a ya comments, people. We’ve got loads of mates whose kids have never been there, so it heartening to know that the bloggin parental cru have been through similar stuff… Dave did you get to go into the Echo Laboratory? I am jealous if so!
    2004/08/26 @ 12:51 pm

    Plus, I’m glad people saw the funny side – I certainly did 😉
    2004/08/26 @ 01:01 pm

    Dan Molex
    “Dude, I think the radio was judging you.

    (“BAD DAD”…that’s hilarious)
    2004/08/26 @ 06:18 pm”

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