LONDON, May 22, 2008. Scientists working at London’s University of Westminster have made a new discovery which challenges everything we know about our brains.
After a painstaking series of experiments – conducted over several decades, conclusive evidence has now emerged that involvement with Trojan Records causes permanent damage to workers’ long term memory.
“The discovery is quite shocking” said Professor Mick Sleeper, a neuroscientist who has been working on the project since 1993, “but our experiments prove conclusively that working for this one record label leads to the development of lesions in the hippocampus, which cause permanent long term memory loss.”
Professor Sleeper’s investigations began when he noticed some curious aspects to the label’s output: “Trojan is well known for having a huge archive of Jamaican music stretching back to the 1960s” said Professor Sleeper today “So I was very surprised when some of my students mentioned that they seemed to be releasing the exact same records over and over again, in different covers. I naturally assumed there was some commercial impetus to this strategy, but after several interviews with company employees both past and present, I was shocked to discover that none of them could remember a single thing about what the label had done in the past.”
Professor Sleeper’s research suggests that even short term exposure to the company can produce quite profound effects. “When Trojan was recently bought out by Universal, it seemed that the cycle of brain damage had ended. I was relieved to see that one of their first releases was an all new album by Horace Andy, for example. But sure enough, only a few weeks later and Trojan is once again manufacturing the exact same albums by Bob Marley and Desmond Dekker”.
A spokesman for the company rebuffed Professor Sleeper’s research, when contacted at their new West London offices: “Huh? The man is an idiot – we’ve never released any such thing before. Reggae fans everywhere will be looking forward to our exciting new compilations featuring obscure artists like Jimmy Cliff and Toots and the Maytals. Trojan is continuing to push forward the boundaries of Jamaican music”.
Bob Marley was not available for comment.