So, tell me a little bit about yourself.

ARM: Well as most people will know, I’ve been attached to you since before you were born, right?

Yeah I guess that goes without saying… but what’s changed recently?

ARM: Well there’s some other people here who can explain that better than me. [to the others] Do you want to introduce yourselves?

R.S.I.: Hi, I’m your repetitive strain injury. I guess my role is to give you pains in your arm and wrist when you’ve been using a keyboard too much. It’s been a few years now and we get on OK I think?

Well I suppose so. Who is the new guy?

B.E.T.: Hi there. I’m your benign essential tremor. It’s me whose been giving you those shakes since about February time.

Hi tremor! I was getting you two mixed up, wasn’t I?

B.E.T.: Yeah, ‘fraid so. I’m not taking it personally tho. It’s good we came to the hospital today to sort this out.

And you’re here to stay, right?

B.E.T.: Yup. Seems like I’m going to gradually get worse over the next 30 or 40 years, they reckon.

Because of you, I have to piss in a container this weekend?

B.E.T.: Ha ha, yeah sorry, they still have some tests to do. On the upside you get to go for one of those gnarly MRI scans, tho.

Fair point, I’m looking forward that one. It was a pretty good consultation overall.

ARM: For you maybe! She was hitting me with a fucking hammer!

Well yeah, but only to check your reflexes…

ARM: And then they stuck a needle in me!

C’mon, it was a blood test…

ARM: Mmmph. Did you get embarrassed when that other guy came in and made me wave at her in all sorts of funny ways? I’m just saying ‘cos I thought you looked a bit of a spacker. Well, even more than usual anyway.

That wasn’t great. She was nice, tho.

ARM: You probably shouldn’t have made that joke about being drunk all the time when we realised alcohol makes the shakes a bit better.

It wasn’t my finest moment. Are you going to help me carry this piss container home now?

ARM: Yeah sure. You’re taking it quite well, I think.

Well it’s important to keep things in perspective. I mean, at least I know what the fuck is happening now and it isn’t that bad. My arm shakes a bit sometimes, but not noticeably. Yet.

I mean, three women I work with have had cancer scares in the last 6 months and only one of them has come out of it OK so far. Dubversion fucked himself up proper after falling off a ladder, and generally the older you get the more awareness you have of people quietly enduring all sorts of horrible things on a daily basis.

ARM: So you don’t hate me?

Nah, we’re good. It is just One Of Those Things.