Kingsland slammed the megaphone handle into his critic’s temple, causing the whining, posing tossbag to collapse into a crumpled heap. “ATTACK!!” George screamed – the signal for the great unwashed of the Clapton Brew Crew to charge through the crowd, kicking and punching anything that moved!

A hail of Merrydown bottles, filled with piss, rained down on the stage, drenching Bassey and her backing band. The crusties’ dogs sunk their fangs into Fratellis fans, while a group of Young Conservatives, who’d travelled all the way from Inverness just to catch new indie sensations The Monday Club, cried out in torment as paraboot after paraboot pounded against their vital organs.

BEYOND THE IMPLODE: “FESTIVAL!”

Dave Stelfox on Jah Cure being released from prison.

Hyperfrank on homophobia and grime.

Melissa Bradshaw interviewing Sarah of FWD/Rinse.